


Father/Son Conversations

by theoofoof



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Family, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-07-16 00:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16074233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoofoof/pseuds/theoofoof
Summary: A series of connected ficlets detailing conversations between Rafael and Noah. Non-chronological.





	1. September 2018

**Author's Note:**

> For the purposes of this universe, 'the-episode-that-shall-not-be-named' didn't happen, but I'm keeping the 'seeing colours' conversation because, well, why wouldn't you? 
> 
> Basically just imagine ''the-episode-that-shall-not-be-named' was replaced with a case that shook Barba to the core and Liv pulled him through. Then they had the colours conversation, but Rafael didn't leave and his response to Olivia's "And?" was something completely different.

“Dinner’s nearly ready,” Olivia called from the kitchen where she was stirring sauce on the stove.

Rafael set his pen and legal pad aside on the sofa and stood. “Want me to go and drag _mi amigo_ away from his Lego?” he asked.

“Would you mind?” Olivia asked, a relieved look on her face.

She had already been the ‘bad cop’ this week as far her son was concerned so wasn’t relishing telling him to tidy up so he could come and eat vegetables. Getting back into the routine of school and reasonable bedtimes weren’t things that Noah was enjoying. As a result, getting him to put his toys away so he could get ready for bed, or waking him in a morning had made things very tense between the two of them for the last couple of days.

He entered the kitchen and wrapped an arm around her, placing a gentle kiss to her cheek. “Not at all.”

She turned into his embrace, meeting his gaze with a soft smile. “You’re the best.”

Rafael chuckled as he pulled away. “I’ll remind you of that when I won’t get you the warrant I know you’re going to ask me for tomorrow.”

“I thought we’d agreed to keep our professional and personal lives separate?”

“Verbal agreement. Wouldn’t stand up in court,” he replied, backing away as Olivia playfully brandished the spoon at him.

He was still smiling to himself as he approached Noah’s room, a smile that only grew as he slowly peered around the slightly open door.

Noah was not playing with his Lego as Rafael had expected. Instead, he was sat cross-legged on his bed, Eddie in his lap, reading.

“ _There are two kinds of elephant…_ ,” Noah read, and Rafael realised with a swell of emotion that he was reading the book to Eddie as if the stuffed animal could understand every word he was saying. Rafael stood back, leaning on the door frame as Noah continued, painstakingly sounding out some quite tricky words for a six-year-old.

“…A _-f-r-i-c-a-n… African elephants and A-s-i-a-n… Asian elephants. They are not the same size. African elephants are bigger. Asian elephants have much smaller ears_.”

Noah regarded Eddie carefully for a few moments before seeming to come to a decision. “Your ears are pretty big so I guess you’re an African Elephant.”

The boy skipped on a few pages, scanning the book for something. It was clear when he found it as his face lit up. He turned Eddie, so the stuffed animal could ‘look’ at the page.

“ _African elephants are the world’s l-a-r-g-e-s-t… largest land m-a-m-m-a-l… mammal. They live in herds led by a m-a-t-r-i-a-r-c-h… matri… matri…_ ” Noah frowned at this new, confusing word and Rafael decided now would be a good time to step in.

“Matriarch,” he said gently. “Elephant herds are led by a matriarch.”

“Thanks, Uncle Rafa,” grinned Noah, turning back to his book. _“They live in herds led by a matriarch.”_ He frowned again. “What’s a matriarch?” he asked, putting the book down.

“It’s a woman… a girl elephant, who is in charge of the family of elephants.”

“Like Momma is at work?” Noah asked seriously

“Kind of,” Rafael agreed with a chuckle. “Though I wouldn’t let her hear you compare her to an elephant, you might not get any ice-cream.”

Noah let out a full belly laugh at the though **t** of his mom as an elephant. While he was chuckling to himself, Rafael picked up the discarded book, turning it over in his hands.

“This is a pretty tricky book, _mi amigo_. Where’d you get it?”

“From the library at school,” Noah replied. With a slight shrug, he explained, “I just wanted Eddie to know about his family.”

Rafael hesitated a moment, glancing back, part of him hoping Olivia would be on her way to rescue him from this conversation. When he found the hallway empty, he took a breath and sat on the bed next to Noah.

“Like you want to?” he asked gently.

Olivia had been forced to tell Noah he was adopted the previous month when, after taking him to visit Sheila Porter at the psychiatric facility in which she was currently residing, the boy’s grandmother revealed that Olivia wasn’t his real mom. Olivia was understandably angry at the woman; Noah had cried all the way home from their visit, confused about what his grandmother had said.

Olivia had kept it simple and age-appropriate – telling him that his mother had died when he was a baby and she had adopted him – but Noah was, naturally, curious about his biological mother.

 “You know you can ask your mom any questions you have about Ellie, don’t you?”

The boy nodded. “Yeah, she told me.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

Noah bit his lip.

“Hey, you know you can tell me anything,” Rafael reminded him.

When his relationship with Olivia had moved beyond friendship, Rafael found that things changed with Noah too. It was mainly due to proximity. Rafael was around more, often present for dinner and bedtime and more recently, at breakfast too. Spending time with his girlfriend meant spending time with her son which, much to Rafael’s surprise, he found he didn’t mind. In fact, he quite enjoyed being more ‘hands-on’ with Noah.  He helped with homework and read bedtime stories

“I don’t want Momma to be upset,” he admitted. “Or to think I don’t love her anymore.”

Rafael’s chest tightened at Noah’s words. He was a perceptive little soul, more sensitive to others than most children his age.

He wrapped an arm around the boy’s shoulder. “Your mom knows you love her, Noah. I promise. Just as much as she loves you. And she will always love you, no matter how many questions you have about Ellie.”

“Uncle Rafa’s right, sweet boy.”

Both Rafael and Noah turned at the sound of Olivia’s voice and found her leaning against the door frame. Noah looked away, embarrassed that his mom had overheard their conversation. Rafael met her gaze though, giving her a soft, sympathetic smile, despite the dampness in her eyes. Pushing off the door jamb Olivia crossed the threshold and approached the bed. Sitting on the other side of Noah, she ran her hand through his curls.

“You can always ask about Ellie,” she assured him. “I can’t promise to know all the answers – I didn’t know her that well, but you can ask and we can try and find out.”

“From Grandma Sheila?”

Olivia pressed her lips together. “Maybe.”

“You were mad at her,” Noah pointed out.

“I was,” Olivia admitted. “I still am. I wanted to wait to tell you about Ellie until you were older, so it wouldn’t upset you so much. Grandma Sheila knew that, but she told you anyway.”

“Can I still see her?”

Rafael glanced at Olivia over the top of Noah’s head and could almost hear the internal struggle she was experiencing. She didn’t want to keep Noah from his only connection to Ellie, but she didn’t know if she could bear to be within 10 feet of the woman at the moment.

“We’ll see,” she eventually said. “Now, dinner is ready, so why don’t you go and wash up. There might be ice-cream for dessert,” she added, as a caveat to hopefully prevent a meltdown when Noah noticed the vegetables on his plate.

“Yay! Ice-cream!” Noah jumped off the bed and ran to the bathroom.

Olivia stood to follow him, but Rafael reached for her hand, pulling her back. “I know it’s not my place but, if you want, I can take Noah to see Sheila.”

“Y-you’d do that?”

He gave her hand a little squeeze. “For you and Noah, I’d do anything.”


	2. December 2029

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah (aged 17) turns up at his father's office with a question...

EADA Rafael Barba was sat at his desk, prepping for court the next day, when the door to his office burst open. He glanced up to see his son, Noah, enter. The teenager shrugged off his winter jacket and dropped it, along with his school bag, to the floor.

“Hola, _mijo_!” Rafael greeted with a broad smile. There was a slight air of surprise in his voice – he hadn’t expected Noah to stop by today. In the past, it hadn’t been unusual for Rafael to return to his office to find his son sat at the desk or on the leather sofa, working on his latest assignment. But, since Noah had entered his senior year three months ago, a combination of extra-curricular activities and a busy social calendar had meant his visits had become less frequent.

Rafael missed the way he would burst in, eager to tell him everything about his day, so he was pleased to see his son enter. That was until, with a sigh, the teenager flopped down on the sofa, burying his face in the cushions.

Rafael raised an eyebrow at his son’s dramatics. “Tough day?”

Noah mumbled something unintelligible into the sofa, but the anguish in his tone was clear, even through the thick cushions.

“Want to talk about it?” Rafael asked, pushing back from his desk.

Noah shook his head and, sensing his son didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering him, Rafael didn’t push. Instead, the two of them lapsed into silence. Rafael tucked himself back into his desk and resumed scribbling on his legal pad while Noah lay prone on the sofa, listening to the rain tapping against the office window.

He lifted his head a few moments later. “Pathetic fallacy,” he mumbled absentmindedly, turning towards his father.

“What’s that?” Rafael asked, looking up from the bullet-proof answer tree he was formulating.

“In literature,” Noah explained, “when the weather reflects the main character’s mood, they call it pathetic fallacy.”

“Ah! Well, you learn something new every day.” Rafael let out a small laugh. “Are you the main character now?”

Noah nodded before burying his head back in the pillow. Rafael dropped his gold pen on to the legal pad, stood and approached his son. Bending, he tapped Noah’s legs and his son took the hint, swinging his legs around and moving to a sitting position.

“You know you can talk to me about anything right, _mijo_?” Rafael said, sitting beside Noah, and putting his feet up on the coffee table. “Did you flunk a test? Fall out with a friend?”

Noah shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak but it was like there was a giant lump in his throat. He blinked, swallowing it and willed his voice to come out steady and clear.

“How do you…” he breathed out quietly, feeling his chest tighten a little. “How do you know when you’re in love?”

Rafael let out a slow breath. This was not a question he was expecting to have to answer today. “That’s a pretty big question, _mijo_. I assume you’re asking because you think you might be in love with someone?” he asked, with a gentle smile.

“Not really. I was just wondering, y’know?”

Rafael bit back a smile. In addition to being over-dramatic, Noah was a terrible liar. He supposed it came from having an NYPD officer and a lawyer as parents. Whenever he’d tried to lie as a child, he would have been called out quickly, so he never really mastered the art. But Rafael would allow his son this one white lie, given the embarrassment the boy was probably feeling at the moment.

“Well,” Rafael began, “I can’t give you an exact answer – it’s different for everyone.” He paused gathering his thoughts. He didn’t think waxing lyrical about seeing colours would work as well in this situation as it had with Noah’s mother ten years earlier.

“I guess the best analogy I can give you is it’s like picking out an outfit. There are so many different options and combinations. Choosing a shirt. Finding a tie and suspender combo to match.” He nudged Noah’s shoulder. “Picking out the most ostentatious socks.” He hitched up a trouser leg to reveal today’s choice – grey with a green and red striped cuff and a random pattern of candy canes.

The teenager’s mouth quirked into a small smile at that; his dad always did wear the most ridiculous socks. Hence why he’d gifted him the pair he was currently wearing at Christmas last year. Noah had never really understood his father’s penchant for wacky socks, but he accepted it as one of the lawyer’s idiosyncrasies.

“The outfit you eventually go with,” Rafael continued, “is the one that looks right, feels right. It gives you confidence – like you could face anything. When you find that someone, you’ll know.”

“Is that how you felt about Mom?”

Rafael nodded. “Yeah, but it took me a long time to realise that’s what I was feeling. I thought I’d been in love before, Noah, but I was wrong. What I felt for your mom… what I still feel for her… was so different to anything I’d ever felt before, that I didn’t know what it was until I almost lost her.”

Noah’s eyebrows rose, and he threw a questioning look at his father. He’d never heard this story before. As far as he was concerned his parents had the most stable relationship of any couple he knew.

“It was before we were together,” Rafael clarified, not wanting to worry his son. “I found out she was seeing someone. Suffice to stay I didn’t take it well. Jealousy can make a man do stupid things. But I soon realised what an idiot I was being, and thankfully, your mother is a very forgiving person.”

“I didn’t know,” remarked Noah.

Rafael gave him a soft smile. “You were only little, _mijo_. And it was nothing really, in the grand scheme of things. It brought us closer together… in the end.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So,” Rafael hedged, patting his son on the back as he rose to return to his desk, “does Jesse know how you feel?”

Noah groaned, dropping his head into his hands.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Noah have a chat about the boy's behaviour at the end of S20 E02.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still stand by my comments in the first chapter that the events of the Undiscovered Country didn't happen in this universe. But I'm using artisitc license to imagine the events after that episode as if Barba was still with the DA's office and still working with SVU. Hope that makes sense.

Rafael Barba entered the lobby of East Side Elementary School trying not to feel self-conscious. He’d collected Noah from school before, but never on his own. Olivia was always with him which meant he hadn’t really noticed how out of place he looked. The other adults were waiting to collect children were all female. The majority were young females too, nannies he assumed, but there were a couple who were a little older and more likely to be mothers or grandmothers. He was just thankful he wasn’t dressed for court; that would make him stand out even more. No, the jeans and casual sweater he was wearing definitely helped him appear less conspicuous.

He didn’t have much time to linger on how his presence might appear, because the bell rang, and the main door opened to reveal a line of children, Noah right at the front.

“Uncle Rafa!” The youngster’s face lit up at the sight of his favourite uncle and he ran over, dragging his school bag behind him.

Despite the serious conversation that Rafael knew had to come, he couldn’t help but smile at the boy’s reaction to seeing him in the school yard. “ _Hola, mi amigo_ ,” he greeted, bending down and enveloping him in a hug.

Pulling back, Noah looked at him curiously. “Why are you picking me up? Where’s Lucy?”

“I missed you while I was away, so I thought I’d surprise you.” It wasn’t a lie, he had missed the boy while he’d been away at the National Sexual Assault Conference and had always planned to surprise him by picking him up from school, but the purpose of the gesture had become two-fold after his late-night conversation with Olivia last night.

* * *

_He was lying on his hotel bed when the call came. He’d called her about twenty minutes earlier, asking if it was okay to talk. She’d told him she was just putting Noah to bed – he was currently in the bathroom doing his teeth – and would call him back once her son was asleep._

_“Hi,” he greeted happily. He was missing her more than he’d thought he would, given the fact that they’d only been in a relationship for six months. But they had seen each other pretty much daily for the last few years, so despite it only being a three-day conference – five if you included travel time – it was a major difference in their routine._

_“Hey.”_

_Rafael’s brow furrowed at the deadened tone of her voice. “You okay?”_

_“He pushed me.”_

_“Who? A perp?”_

_“Noah,” she replied with a soft sniffle._

_Rafael sat forward, unable to comprehend what his girlfriend was telling him about the sweet little boy he knew. “What?”_

_“He didn’t want to go to bed,” Olivia explained. “I told him he didn’t have a vote and he pushed me.”_

_“I’m sure he didn’t mean it, Liv. He probably just caught you by accident.”_

_“No. This was… deliberate. He stepped forward and pushed me with both hands."_

_“Shit. What did you do?”_

_“I sent him straight to bed and told him we’d talk about it in the morning. I told him I loved him and he… he didn’t say it back.”_

_“Oh, Liv.” The pain in her voice almost broke him but he knew he had to hold it together. “He does love you. You know he does. He’s just tired and clearly angry. It’ll pass. You’ll be getting your usual exuberant wake up call in the morning, I’m sure.”_

_“We’ll see.”_

_They spent another half an hour on the phone, Olivia sharing her fears about Noah’s behaviour and the stress of balancing work and being a parent, Rafael assuring her that she was doing an amazing job, that this was just a blip, while wishing he was there to wrap his arms around her and hold her as she cried._

_Before they hung up, they brainstormed a strategy for how Olivia was going to deal with Noah’s behaviour in the morning. But after the call had ended, Rafael lay awake for a while going over things in his head. He and Olivia were a team now and, while no discussions had taken place about his role in Noah’s life, Rafael knew that this relationship was it for him; he didn’t plan on having another, which meant that eventually he was going to be Noah’s parent. Maybe it was time to start acting like it in more ways than reading bedtime stories and helping with homework._

* * *

Noah and Rafael walked hand-in-hand towards the park, Noah happily chatting away about his day. As the playground came into view, Noah increased his pace and began tugging Rafael in the direction of the gate.

“Not so fast, mi amigo,” Rafael told him, slowing to a halt and bending down to the boy’s level. “Before we play, you and I need to have a little chat about last night.”

Noah’s face fell as he realised his mom had told Rafael about his actions. As his uncle led them towards a nearby bench, the little boy seemed to find the cracks in the sidewalk extremely interesting.

Taking his seat, Rafael patted the bench next to him and Noah reluctantly joined him.

“Now, I just have one question and I expect you tell me the truth, okay? I know you know the difference between the truth and lying, don’t you?”

Noah nodded slowly.

“Right, good. So, here’s my question. Why did you push your mom?”

A few moments of heavy silence were followed by a shrug.

“Noah,” Rafael pressed, his tone harsher than before.

“I was mad at her, okay?!” Noah wasn’t used to Rafael being the disciplinarian. He was always the fun Uncle, the one who goofed out with him, who bought him presents and let him eat cookie AND ice-cream, when his mom would have made him choose between the two.

Rafael wasn’t revelling in this new role either, but he knew he couldn’t let Noah’s actions go unaddressed. While he was sure Olivia had dealt with it that morning, he wanted to reinforce that his behaviour was unacceptable. Both adults had fought against the demons of angry, violent biological parents and the possibility that they would turn out like them and, as much as they would say they didn’t believe that violence was genetic, there were moments – like this one – that frightened them. So, Rafael needed to know, just as he was sure Olivia did, that he had done everything in his power to try and overpower even the slightest chance that Noah’s genetic make-up had played a part in the events of the previous night.

“I know that, amigo,” Rafael told him, modulating his tone – it was obvious the boy had been angry, “but why?”

“I didn’t want to go to bed. I wanted to stay up and talk to you. I heard her on the phone and she said she’d ring you back when I was asleep, but I missed you and I wanted to tell you about my little league game, but she made me go to bed.”

Rafael was a little taken aback by the fact that Noah’s outburst had been related to him being away at the conference, but he quickly recovered. Placing a hand on Noah’s shoulder he gave it a gentle squeeze. “I can understand why that made you angry, but Noah, no matter how angry we get, we can’t go around pushing or hurting people. Do you understand that? We have to find another way to deal with our feelings.”

The little boy nodded sullenly. “That’s what Momma said.”

“She’s a wise woman,” Rafael said, relieved that he’d echoed the messages the boy’s mother had passed on. “Now, did you tell your Momma why you didn’t want to go to bed?”

He was pretty sure he already knew the answer. If Noah had voiced his wish to speak with him, he was sure Olivia would have mentioned it. Hell, she’d probably have given in and let the boy ring him to say good night, knowing he wouldn’t have minded one iota.

Noah shook his head, confirming Rafael’s theory.

“Why not?”

Noah shrugged. “I don’t know.”

For a moment, Rafael wondered if the boy was withholding something, but he’d been honest enough to open up about why he’d lashed out, so he couldn’t see why he’d suddenly start lying now.

“I know that when you’re mad, it’s hard to control yourself, but you need to take a breath and use your words. You need to tell people how you’re feeling and why. And y’know what?”

Noah looked up at him, eyes wide. “What?”

“If you do that, there’s a far bigger chance that you’ll get what you want.”

“So, if I’d told Momma I wanted to talk to you, she would have let me?”

“Maybe. Probably. But if people don’t know why you’re angry they can’t help fix it. Do you understand?”

“Yeah.” Noah was quiet for a moment. “I made Momma sad,” he said quietly, tears pooling in his eyes.

Noah’s expression tugged at Rafael’s heartstrings – as much as this was a lesson he knew the boy needed to learn, it wasn’t easy to be in the position of teaching it, of seeing him upset over his actions. He reached over and pulled Noah onto his lap. “You did, but we can fix it,” he assured him. “We’ll go to the store and we’ll buy ingredients to make dinner for your mom and we can pick up her favourite ice-cream while we’re there, yeah?”

Noah nodded. “You always say Momma’s ice-cream is silly expensive.”

Rafael smiled. “At ten dollars a pint it is, but I think we can overlook that today.” He stood and held his hand out for Noah, who took it and shuffled forwards off the bench.

“Can I make Momma a picture while dinner is cooking?” he asked as they walked towards the exit to the park, his plans to play on the playground forgotten in his haste to make things right with his mom.

“Of course you can, mi amigo. I’m sure she’ll love it.”  


	4. March 2030

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael has 'the talk' with a seventeen-year-old Noah

“Hey.” Olivia shrugged off her jacket as she entered their brownstone. It was gone ten o’clock and she was exhausted. The people who told her it would be easier and less stressful being captain clearly had no idea what the job actually entailed. Thankfully, she was now scheduled for three days off which, if things went her way, she would be spending relaxing.

Rafael, who was sat on the sofa, looked up from his book. “We need to talk.”

Olivia regarded her husband – he was frowning, something clearly playing on his mind. She sighed; she could see her planned relaxation time disappearing into the distance.

“What’s up?” she asked, hanging her jacket on the rack by the door.

“I got home early – the defence requested a recess – and when I came in I found Noah in his room with Jesse. They were making out pretty heavily.”

She flopped down next to him on the sofa. “Well, they are dating, Rafa.”

“His hand was under her shirt, Liv!”

Olivia barely managed to hold in her eye roll. “They’re teenagers, Rafa.”

She wasn’t particularly concerned. Noah had been brought up in an environment where consent was always a topic of conversation and she was confident her son – despite being a teenager – understood the importance of getting and maintaining consent.

“Exactly!” At Olivia’s raised eyebrow, he continued. “You aren’t telling me that you were completely innocent at their ages?”  

“You know I wasn’t.” She’s told him about the relationship she’d had with one of her mother’s students and the fallout of his proposal.

“No. Neither was I.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Lauren Sullivan?”

Barba smirked.  “I just think it’s time we sat down and had a talk with him.”

“Didn’t we do that a few years ago?”

 “I think you’ll find _I_ did,” Rafael replied, with just a hint of smugness, remembering when he spoke to him about the facts of life.

When Noah had turned twelve, his school had sent home a notice that the children would be getting a talk in health class, but from reading the letter and talking to Noah’s teacher, Olivia didn’t think the talk would be detailed enough. The school’s plan was to separate the boys and girls and, while the girls would be told about menstruation and pregnancy, the boys would only be told about the changes to their own bodies, nothing about the girls at all.

insisted that Rafael sit their son down and to have a more in-depth, factual conversation. Her husband had protested at first; claiming he wouldn’t know what to say and that it would be better coming from her. It was only when Olivia asked how he’d feel if his mother tried to talk to him about sex, that he relented, wanting to save Noah from as much embarrassment as possible.

He just about managed to get over his initial discomfort and find the words to start the conversation – who knew it would be so different to talking about sex as part of his job – and make the boy aware of the biology. But now a different conversation was needed.

“This is different, Liv. He’s older. With a girlfriend. Who happens to be the daughter of our friends,” he reminded her. “We don’t just have a responsibility to Noah, but to Jesse too. Hell, to any girl Noah chooses to date in the future too.”

“You’re right,” Olivia agreed. She liked to think, given their jobs, Noah would have a good idea about what was expected of him, but it didn’t hurt to be sure. Her workload would possibly be lighter if more parents were as proactive as Rafael. “So, what are you going to say to him?”

* * *

The following evening, as Olivia began clearing away their dinner dishes, Rafael took the opportunity to broach the topic of sex with his son.

Taking his final mouthful of ice-cream, Noah dropped his spoon into the now empty bowl and stood. “Right, well, I’ve got math homework, so…”

Rafael held up a hand. “Before you disappear, I need to talk to you about something.”

Olivia took those words as her cue to leave, hanging the dishcloth over the tap. “While you boys talk, I’m going to grab a shower.” She and Rafael had discussed in depth last night the main points they wanted their son to take from the conversation and she was confident in her husband’s ability to communicate them in a way that Noah would understand.

Noah groaned as he sank back into his chair. He knew what was coming—he’d been waiting for ‘the talk’ ever since his dad had come home early and caught him and Jesse making out. But that event had been almost a week ago now, and Noah had dared to believe his desperate wish that his father was suffering from a mild case of amnesia had come true.

Noah had finally plucked up the courage to ask Jesse out on Christmas Eve and, to his astonishment, she’d said yes. Three months later and they were still together and beginning to explore the physical side of their relationship. Their make-out sessions did get heated, but so far, they hadn’t gone further than venturing under each other’s shirts.

“So,” An awkward silence fell over the kitchen as Rafael tried to find the words to begin the conversation, “I thought, after walking in on you and Jesse the other day, that maybe we should–”

“Look, Dad, you don’t have to do this,” Noah interrupted – partly out of pity for his father and to save himself embarrassment. “I already know how sex works. I’m not twelve.”

“I know, but you’re with Jesse now, so it’s different.”

Rafael supposed he should have spoken to Noah about this sooner, but he’d never had a girlfriend before. He’d taken a girl – Shannon – to homecoming a couple of years ago, but as their relationship hadn’t continued beyond that night, Rafael had been content to hold off on giving his son ‘the talk’.

“How? How is it different?”

Rafael leaned forward. “Because now you’re in a position to actually be having sex.”

“But we’re not!” protested Noah. “Geez Dad! Jess is only 16. I wouldn’t do that to her.”

Rafael couldn’t help but feel proud that his son was considering Jesse’s age and the fact that she wasn’t old enough to consent, despite the ‘close-in-age’ exception in the law. He reached out and clasped Noah’s shoulder.

“I know, _mijo_. And it’s good that you’ve thought about that. But I was a teenager once too, and I know how easy it is to get carried away.”

Noah grimaced. That was more information about his Dad than he ever needed to know.

Recognising his son’s expression, Rafael was apologetic. “Sorry, _mijo_. I don't mean to embarrass you. I just need to know that I've done everything I can to prepare and protect you.”

“You think I need protecting from Jess?”

Rafael shook his head. “No. Your mom and I love Jesse, you know that. And we're happy you two finally decided to admit how you felt about each other.”

Noah shot his father a mock glare and Rafael couldn't help the smirk that formed on his face. The attraction between the the two had been obvious to anyone who saw them together for more than five minutes – despite what the teenagers may have wanted to believe – so it had been no surprise to Rafael when Noah had turned up at his office and asked him how you knew when you were in love.

“But relationships aren't just about fancying or loving the other person,” Rafael continued. He stood and reached into a cupboard for the bottle of Macallan he kept there. Pouring himself a glass, he turned back to his son. “They come with responsibilities too. Now I know you're almost an adult and, growing up around SVU, you probably know a lot of this stuff already, but I want… I need to any to say this to you and I need you to listen, okay?”

Noah nodded. He could tell from his father’s tone that this was something that meant a lot to him, so he sat up a little straighter and, despite the flush he could feel rising in his cheeks, he lifted his head and looked into the green eyes of the man who had loved and cared for him since he was a child.

“Okay. What do you want me to know?”

Rafael leaned against the counter and rubbed a hand over his jaw. “Let's start with consent. You have to be sure about what Jesse wants. That means a clear, mutual and respectful setting of boundaries, and ongoing communication between the two of you. It means the presence of a ‘yes’, not just the absence of a ‘no’. Don’t assume that Jesse will be comfortable with everything you are.”

Rafael paused to take another sip of his scotch. He gave Noah a few moments to digest what he’d said before speaking again. “Also, consent can be revoked at any time. It doesn't matter if she agreed at the start or you feel she's led you on, no means no. If you hear a no, or she goes quiet or stiff, or hesitates in anyway, you stop and talk to her, check she's okay with what you're doing. And that doesn’t mean trying to convince or coerce her into doing something she doesn’t want to do.”

“What if…” Noah bit his lip.

“Go on,” Rafael urged. “You can ask me anything you want. There's no judgement.”

“What if I do do something she doesn't like or isn't ready for without realising? Like if she doesn't tell me?”

Sitting back down opposite Noah, Rafael let out a breath. “I'm not going to lie, it isn't unheard of for girls and women to go further than they feel comfortable with and regret it later. My advice would be talk to her. If you want to try something you've never done before, just pause, take a breath and as **k** if it's okay.”

“And if she says yes ju **s** t to please me?” Noah asked. Growing up with the captain of Manhattan SVU as his mom, he’d heard stories of this happening, and he didn’t want it to happen with Jesse.

“You can't read a girl’s mind, but you know Jesse. You’ve known her all her life. You have that to your advantage.” Rafael paused. “Maybe you need to sit down with Jesse before you get into that situation and make sure she knows that she's always allowed to stop things if it gets too much. And if she ever does, you honour that.”

Noah nodded. “I will.”

“And Noah,” he said, reaching over to place his hand on the boy’s arm, “if things are moving too fast for you, you can say no too. Consent is a two-way street.”

“I don't think that's going to be an issue.” Noah replied quietly, his cheeks flaming.

Rafael scoffed lightly. He remembered well the hormone-induced longings from his own teenage years. The want. The need. If he was honest, he felt a similar way with Olivia. He may be pushing sixty – and she just over – but they had still had a very active sex life. He still found her as attractive as the first day he met her twenty years ago. Not that Noah needed to know that.

“Well, just remember that, okay. In case it ever does happen.”

Noah nodded and Rafael, satisfied that his son understood the consent portion of this conversation, moved on.

“Now, protection. I don't know if Jesse is on the pill or whether Amanda will suggest that to her but even if she is you should use another form of protection too. The pill, if taken properly can be 99% effective at preventing pregnancy, but in reality, that percentage drops to about 91%.”

Noah held up a hand to stop him. “Did you actually look that up?”

“The percentages?”

Noah nodded.

“Yes, I did. I thought giving you facts and figures would drive home the point.”

“Why is there a difference in the numbers?” Noah asked, curious how one of the main forms of contraception could be flawed.

“Some women forget to take it,” Rafael explained. “They may miss a day or take it later than they should. Also, it can be affected by other medications like antibiotics or if the woman is sick. That’s why, you should use condoms too. Your mom and I are not quite ready to become grandparents just yet. Condoms are the most effective form of contraception and they protect against STIs as well as. It shouldn’t just come down to Jesse to think about protection. Do you…” he paused, suspecting the reaction his next question was going to induce, but decided he had to ask anyway. “Do you want me to buy you some. I can–”

The teenager’s eyes widened, and he shook his head emphatically. “Oh God, no! Dad!”

“Sorry. But I had to ask. One day, when you've got kids, you'll understand.”

Noah sat a little straighter on his chair and met his father's gaze once more. “Look, Dad. Jesse and I aren't having sex. But when…” he shook his head, remembering his father’s words about consent – he was making assumptions he had no right making. “… _if_ we decide to, we’ll be careful, I promise.”

“Okay, good. Now, have you got any questions?”

“N-no… I’m good.” Noah was more than ready for this conversation to be over and done with.

“But you’ll ask if you do?” Rafael pressed.

“I don’t know, Dad. It’s embarrassing.”

“I know _mijo_ , but I’d rather you come to me than get unreliable information from the internet or your friends. I just want you to be safe and happy. You _and_ Jesse.”

That was all Rafael had ever wanted and Noah had known that from a young age. He may not have been his biological father, or any sort of father at all until Noah was five, but one thing he’d always associated with him was a feeling of safety and happiness. It was only recently, as he’d begun to mature, that Noah realised that his father strived for him to feel that – and quite often when out of his way  to ensure it. He knew that extended to Jesse as well – she’d always been able to wrap her ‘Uncle Rafa’ around her little finger.

“Okay, Dad. I will. I promise.”

Noah’s phone began vibrating where he’d set it face-down on the table earlier and, thankful for the interruption, he picked it up. Turning it over to check the caller ID, a blush creeping onto his cheeks when he saw it was Jesse. 

Swallowing, he glanced at his father. “Are we done?”

“Sure,” Rafael said with a nod, clapping him on the shoulder. “But remember, any questions and I’m here, okay?”

“Got it.” Noah reiterated as he stood and headed toward his room, his pace somewhere between a walk and a jog. As he rounded the corner and his door came into view, he swiped the screen to answer the call, not wanting to leave Jesse hanging any longer.

“Hey,” he greeted her, the words his father just spoke ringing in his ears. “Want to take a walk? I want to talk to you about something.”


	5. April 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early on in his relationship with Olivia, Rafael is asked to babysit Noah. Also contains some bonus Barson. :)

“Uncle Rafa, why do you always wash the dishes?” Noah asked, watching Rafael with a curious expression, head tilted slightly to the left.

Rafael glanced back from where he was stood at the sink, sleeves rolled up past his elbows, his hands deep in soapy water.

“Well, your _mami_ cooks…” Rafael glanced at the pile of takeout containers this evening’s meal had arrived in. “Or at least, she provides the food, so it’s only fair that I clean up,” he explained.

Olivia was in the bathroom, taking a shower. She’d had a long day. She’d been about to leave to relieve Lucy – who had a class that evening – when Dodds had appeared demanding a detailed briefing on their latest case. She’d called Rafael, tentatively asking if he’d be able to swing by her apartment and watch Noah until she was done.

He and Olivia had only been together a couple of months, and despite the numerous evenings and weekends Rafael had spent with her and Noah, he’d never been left alone with the boy. Nevertheless, he’d agreed – wanting to help her out – and had packed up and headed to her apartment to relieve Lucy.

He and Noah had spent the next couple of hours playing with his Lego, building an intricate police station – complete with SVU squad figures – and playing cops and robbers. When Olivia had called on her way home, telling him not to worry about dinner because she was picking up takeout, Rafael hailed his first babysitting adventure a success – Noah was happy and unhurt, and they’d avoided any emergencies. The three of them had enjoyed a relaxed dinner before Rafael had made his usual offer to clean up while Olivia showered off her stressful day.

“Yeah, but why do you wash them in the sink?” Noah replied. When Rafael furrowed his brow at him, Noah stood from the table with a sigh and walked over to the sink. He pulled down what Rafael could now see was a faux-cupboard front to reveal a dishwasher. “Momma always uses this.”

Rafael caught movement out of the corner of his eye and raised his head to see Olivia entering, a small smirk on her face.

“Well,” he began, raising an eyebrow at Olivia, “your _mami_ never mentioned a dishwasher.”  For a moment, Rafael wondered how he’d managed not to notice the appliance but then realised the first few times he’d cleared up was while she was settling Noah in bed, and he’d done so without asking. He’d just spotted the washing up liquid and sponge by the sink and got on with it, assuming that – as the required tools were there – that was how it was done in the Benson household, just as it had been in his house growing up.

“You always looked so comfortable washing them by hand, I didn’t see the need,” she shot back, eyes shining.

This was new, the light-hearted teasing between them. It had started to creep in in the months before they’d addressed their feelings for each other but only occasionally; each wary of giving too much away or overstepping or tipping the careful balance they had managed to find. But now, they were free to tease as much as they liked, and it was a facet of this new relationship that they were very much enjoying.

“I’ll remember that,” Rafael told her, before playfully throwing the dishcloth at her.

* * *

“I had fun today, Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, as he snuggled down in his bed. The two of them had just finished the second bedtime story of the evening – after more Lego building and a couple of jigsaw puzzles – and Rafael was getting him settled before he called for Olivia to come and say goodnight.

“So did I, _mi amigo_.”

The boy rolled onto his side, grabbing Eddie and tucking him into the crook of his arm. “Can you watch me again soon, please?”

“I’m sure your _mami_ and I can work something out, but I wouldn’t want to put Lucy out of a job,” he joked.

The boy shook his head. “No. I love Lucy,” he agreed. “But I enjoyed building Lego with you too.”

The slight disappointment in Noah’s voice tugged on Rafael’s heartstrings and he had the overwhelming urge to reassure him.

“Well…” Rafael hesitated, unsure if his next words would overstep. He and Olivia hadn’t really spoken about how they were going to address the change in their relationship with Noah. “Your _mami_ and I have decided that I’m going to be spending a bit more time here,” he said, trying to find a child-friendly way of explaining the situation without using terms like ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. “So, I’m sure there’ll be lots of Lego time for the two of us.”

Noah’s eyes widened, and he turned towards the door, “Is that true Momma?”

Rafael’s head flipped round to see Olivia leaning on the doorframe, an unreadable expression on her face. He swallowed nervously as he waited to see how she’d respond to Noah, to see if he’d blown this relationship before it had even really started.

“Uncle Rafa will probably be over here more often, yes.”

Relief flooded through Rafael and he turned back to Noah. “But only if that’s okay with you?” he asked. He didn’t want to insert himself into the child’s life if he wasn’t wanted – and one successful night playing with Lego didn’t mean that Noah would want him in here all the time.

Noah nodded sleepily, struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Because if I’m here too much and you just want some time with your _mami,_ you tell me. Okay, _mi amigo_?”

“Never here too much,” the boy mumbled. “Love you, Uncle Rafa.”

Hearing Noah’s declaration, tears sprang to Rafael’s eyes. He bent, pushing Noah’s curls off his forehead and placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I love you too, _mi amigo_. _Dulces sueños.”_

He slipped quietly from the room, leaving Olivia to complete the process of settling Noah to sleep, returning to the living room where he poured them both a drink. It wasn’t more than five minutes before Olivia joined him, Noah having fallen asleep almost instantly.

“Hey.” He reached for her wine glass that sat on the coffee table and handed it to her. She took it gratefully and joined him on the sofa, curling her legs under her as she got comfortable. “I’m sorry if I overstepped with Noah… telling him I’d be around more.”

His tone was hesitant, wary. It had only been two months of casual dates – dinners, the theatre, walks through the park – and one night of passion at his place while Noah was having a sleepover with Jesse. And while they had declared their feelings for each other, there had been no promises or pledges made.

He took a gulp of scotch. “I know we haven’t really talked about how we’re going to discuss it with Noah–”

Olivia reached over and placed a hand on his thigh, cutting him off. “It’s fine,” she assured him, shifting her position slightly so she could meet his eyes. “You’re right, we haven’t talked about it. But, I have no problem with what you said to him. It’s probably what I would have said too. And it’s sweet that you want him to feel comfortable.”

“I do, Liv. I really do.”

He was under no illusions – if Noah wasn’t comfortable with him… with them… this relationship wouldn’t work. He’d walk away rather than make the boy unhappy or make Olivia feel like she had to choose.

Olivia smiled. “I don’t think you’ve anything to worry about on that score. Noah idolises you.”

Rafael blushed. Noah seemed happy enough to have him around, but he wasn’t sure he would go as far as to use the word ‘idolises’.

Olivia sensed his doubt. “He does,” she insisted.

“Well, let’s hope it lasts.” He slid his arm around her shoulder and, carefully balancing his glass of scotch on his lap, picked up the TV remote that lay next to him on the cushion. “Netflix?”

Olivia nodded and snuggled closer, allowing Rafael to pull her into his side as he flicked through the catalogue of shows available. They finally settled on some old episodes of The West Wing, but it wasn’t long before the show was forgotten – left to play on in the background as Rafael and Olivia continued the explorations of each other’s bodies that had begun the previous weekend in his apartment.

Olivia was straddling Rafael’s lap, his hands at her waist, teasing the skin beneath the grey hoodie she had thrown on after her shower. He felt the hitch in her breath as his thumbs stroked her sides, just above the waist of her simple, black leggings.

Curling her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, she nipped at his bottom lip teasingly before smoothing her hands over his shoulders and round to the front of his dress shirt. She toyed with the buttons for a few moments – the tie and suspenders had been discarded long before she’d got home from work – before beginning to unfasten them.

In response, his hands swept up her sides, lifting her hoodie a little further as they went to reveal a pale blue, lace bra. Rafael groaned at the sight, dipping his head forward to place gentle kisses along her skin. Olivia allowed herself a small smile, pleased that she could elicit such a reaction given her age and scars.

Finished with his buttons she lifted her arms, allowing Rafael to completely remove her sweater. Once it was discarded – thrown over the back of the sofa – his hands went to the clasp of her bra, unfastening it deftly as she pushed his shirt off his shoulders.

“Maybe we shou–” Olivia gasped as he cupped her breasts, lifting them so his tongue could swipe over her nipple. “Rafa…”

She tapped him on the shoulder and he pulled back, looking at her with dark eyes, full of arousal and love.

“Sorry,” he breathed.

“No. Don’t be sorry. I was enjoying it. I was just going to suggest maybe we should move this into the bedroom.”

“I…” He wasn’t expecting her to suggest that, assuming she’d want to shield Noah from this particular aspect of their relationship for a while longer. “Are you sure?”

She nodded as she climbed off him and reached for his hand. “You did promise Noah you’d be around more often. Breakfast tomorrow seems like a good place to start, don’t you think?”

* * *

Rafael woke first, spooned against Olivia, her hair tickling his nose. Drawing his arms from around her gently, he pushed himself up on his elbow to look at her. She was beautiful, lying there with the thin streams of sunlight shining on her face. Not that she wasn’t beautiful all the time, but there was something about seeing her like this; peaceful, vulnerable, that took her beauty to a whole new level. Perhaps it was the newness; this was, after all, only the second time he’d woken up next to her.

Glancing at the clock, he figured there was still a little bit of time before Noah would be awake, so he slid from the bed and padded across the room to the en suite. After a quick shower he dressed in yesterday’s suit – thankful that he kept a spare one at his office – and headed to the kitchen to make a start on breakfast.

He knew Noah loved blueberry pancakes and, after a quick scout around the kitchen, found the ingredients he would need to make them. He had just finished preparing the batter, when he heard a door open at the back of the apartment. Placing the wooden mixing spoon in the dishwasher, he leant around the kitchen archway to see Noah heading towards his mom’s room.

“ _Buenos Dias, mi amigo_!” Rafael whispered, just loud enough to get the boy’s attention. He wanted to give Olivia the opportunity for a few extra minutes in bed.

It’s took Noah a few moments to realise what was going on, but when his sleep-addled brain caught up, his face broke into a smile. “Uncle Rafa!” He ran down the hallway and skidded to a stop in front of Rafael.

Rafael scooped him up and sat him on the counter. Noah eyed the bowl of mixture on the counter and his smile grew wider. “Are you making pancakes?”

“Yeah. Someone told me Eddie likes blueberry ones, so I thought I’d make him some. You want to go get him?”

Noah shook his head, giggling. “Eddie doesn’t eat pancakes. You’re silly, Uncle Rafa.”

Rafael feigned disappointment. “Oh. Well then, who’s going to eat all these pancakes?”

“I will!” Noah declared. “And momma and you can have some too.” 

“That sounds like a great idea. Do you want to help?

The two of them got to work, Noah washing the blueberries while Rafael heated up the pan and poured in the batter. Noah gasped in awe when Rafael expertly flipped the first pancake, his eyes fixated on it as glided into the air and then landed back safely in the pan.

“That was awesome!” he exclaimed.

Rafael smiled down at him as he returned the pan to the heat to cook the other side of the pancake. Once cooked, he slid it onto a plate and put it in the oven to keep warm. Picking up the bowl, he paused before pouring the batter.

“You want to flip the next one?” he asked Noah.

“Yeah!”

“Okay, then.”

When the second pancake was ready for flipping, Rafael helped Noah to kneel on one of the stools he’d dragged around from the other side of the breakfast bar, so he could stand behind him and help guide him with what to do. He brought the pan over, cautioning the boy against touching it and helped him grip the handle safely.

“Okay, so after three, we’re going to flick the pan upwards.” Rafael explained. “You ready?” Noah nodded so Rafael began the countdown. “Three… Two… One… Go!”

The pancake flew into the air and, with a bit of creative movement from Rafael, it landed back in the pan to loud cheers from Noah. Rafael returned it to the stove as Noah continued his celebrations.

“We did it! We did it!”

“Did what, sweet boy?” Olivia’s voice called as she stepped into the kitchen, Noah’s cheering having woken her.

“Uncle Rafa and I are making pancakes and we threw it into the air and caught it again.”

“Wow! Well done, baby.” Olivia bent to kiss his curls.

“And I washed the blueberries all by myself,” he told her proudly, pointing to the bowl on the counter.

Rafael was pouring the third pancake into the pan when Olivia sidled up beside him and placed a hand on his back.

“Good morning.”

He turned to face her, and it took all his willpower not to lean over and kiss her, but he was conscious of Noah’s presence, so settled for flashing her a warm smile. “Morning.”

“You didn’t have to cook breakfast, y’know.”

He reached for the coffee pot and poured a cup. “My _abuelita_ would come back to haunt me if I didn’t.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “She told you to make breakfast for a woman after sleeping with her?”

Rafael chuckled. “Not exactly, but she did raise me to a be gentleman. So…” he handed her the coffee he’d just poured. “…Go. Sit. And let me and _mi amigo_ here finish breakfast.” He placed his hands on her shoulders and ushered her out of the kitchen.

“Well, in that case, I think I’ll go get ready.”

“We’ll keep it warm for you.”

The boys worked together to finish breakfast and – having showered the previous evening – it wasn’t long before Olivia re-joined them, dressed and ready for the day.

“Can we have pancakes every day, Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked.

After cautioning Noah about talking with his mouth full, Olivia caught Rafael’s eye over the top of the boy’s head. His eyes were wide, looking for help in answering. With a reassuring smile, she gave a nod, which he quickly returned, just like in the courtroom. She was giving him permission, trusting him.

“Well… I… I won’t be here for breakfast _every_ morning,” Rafael began, “but, when I am we can have whatever you want. That okay?”

Noah smiled happily. “But I think you should be here all the time! Then we could eat pancakes and play Lego. That would be the best!”

Rafael felt his eyes grow damp at the boy’s words; suddenly overcome with emotion. Sitting there, at the breakfast table with Olivia and Noah, he knew with the utmost certainty that this was what he wanted for the rest of his life. It may have only been a couple of months, but the picture that Noah painted, though slightly unrealistic, was one he wanted to be part of.

He raised his eyes to meet Olivia’s gaze once more, finding her eyes glistening too.

“I love you,” she mouthed.

Rafael smiled and nodded. He couldn’t quite form words at the moment.

Olivia dispatched Noah to get ready for school, before he noticed Rafael’s reaction to his words. Once the boy was down the hall, she reached for his hand. “You okay?”

He nodded. “He really wants me here.”

The awe in Rafael’s voice gave Olivia butterflies. She squeezed his hand. “We both do.”

Her words made Rafael smile grow wider, and he turned his hand in his to interlace their fingers. “Good. Because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

The moment was broken by the sound of a key in the front door. “That’ll be Lucy,” Olivia told him.

Rafael looked around, not quite sure what to do with himself. “I…”

Olivia smiled – he was adorable when he was flustered – and patted his hand. “It’s fine, Rafa,” she told him and stepped into the living room to greet her nanny.

“Hi Lucy.”

“Hi Liv. Something smells good.”

“That would be Rafael’s culinary skills.”

At the sound of his name, he stood. “Lucy,” he greeted.

“Mr Barba? Hi.”

The young woman looked knowingly between the two of them, him dressed in the same clothes he’d been wearing the previous evening when he’d come to watch Noah.

“I should, erm, go and hurry Noah along,” he mumbled, beating a hasty retreat to the back of the apartment.

The two women shared a look, Olivia shaking her head at his ridiculous behaviour as she cleared the breakfast dishes. “Sorry about him.”  

Lucy waved her off and followed her boss into the kitchen. “So, you and Mr Barba, huh?” she asked with a smirk.

Olivia couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto her face. “It’s still new, but yeah, me and Barba.”

Lucy smiled. “For what it’s worth, I think it’s a good fit.”

Olivia glanced up to see Noah bound into the living room, dressed for school, sneakers in hand. He watched as Rafael settled him on the sofa and helped him tie his laces; carefully showing him, step by step. Her smile grew. “Yeah, it is.” She turned back to Lucy, her expression growing serious. “Listen, given our working relationship, Rafael and I need to be discreet about this latest… development.”

Lucy held up a hand. “My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you. You deserve a raise.”

“Well, I won’t argue with you,” Lucy replied with a slight chuckle.

“No, but my bank manager might,” Olivia said with an apologetic shrug. She made a mental note to get Lucy and exceptionally good gift at Christmas.

Lucy laughed. “No worries. Now, I’d better get Noah to school.” She rounded the breakfast bar and picked up Noah’s coat and bag. “Come on buddy, time to go.”

Noah shuffled to the edge of the sofa but paused, turning to Rafael. “Will you be here later?”

“I don’t know, mi amigo. That depends on work. But if not, I’ll see you soon, okay? Maybe we can go to the park at the weekend.”

Noah turned to look at his mom. “Can we Momma?”

Olivia nodded, approaching the sofa. “Of course, sweet boy. Now, get your coat on or you’ll be late.”

Noah did as requested, and Rafael and Olivia walked he and Lucy to the door. Olivia kissed her son goodbye and Rafael ruffled the boy’s curls. “Have a good day, _mi amigo_. Make sure you listen to your teachers and learn lots.”

Noah nodded. “Bye Momma. Bye Uncle Rafa. Love you!”

“ _Te amo_ _mi amigo_ ,” Rafael whispered as he stood in the doorway, his arm around Olivia’s shoulders.


	6. October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia is injured at work, prompting Noah to ask Rafael some serious questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a little heavier than previous ones, but hey - it can't always be fluff and unicorns, right?

**October 2019**

“Where is she?!”

Rafael burst into the Emergency Room, clutching Noah’s hand firmly. The boy – dressed as Harry Potter, ready for an evening of trick and treating – looked around frantically, eyes wide. The hospital was busy; there were police officers everywhere and it was noisy too, people rushing about, other’s crying. He held on tightly to Rafael.

“Counsellor.”

Noah looked around at the sound of the familiar voice. But seeing his Uncle Fin didn’t ease the funny feeling in his stomach. He spotted Aunt Amanda too, leaning on a wall further down the hall. They looked sad.

“Where is she, Sergeant?” Rafael asked again, more urgently, trying to sidestep past him. “Olivia!”

Hearing his mom’s name shouted with an emotion he didn’t understand but frightened him nonetheless, Noah turned to look back at Rafael. He saw his Uncle Fin place his hands on Rafael’s shoulders. “She’s in surgery,” he said. “The doctors are doing everything they can.”

Rafael’s shoulder’s slumped and Fin, concerned he was about to crumple to the floor, led him to one of the hard, plastic chairs and helped him sit down.

This is not how the night was supposed to go. Olivia was supposed to come home – he’d moved in back in February – and together they were going to take Noah on his rounds of the neighbourhood, collecting candy. A trip to the ER had not been in the plan.

Rafael had just finished drawing the lightning bolt scar on Noah’s forehead when his cell phone chirped from its place on the kitchen counter. Assuming it was Olivia letting him know she was on her way home, he’d let it go to voicemail. But when it rang again a moment later, he’d stood and retrieved it, frowning when he’d seen Carisi’s name on the display.

The moments after were a blur. He remembered hearing the words ‘Olivia’ and ‘shot’ before Carisi’s voice was drowned out by the roar of blood rushing in his ears. He’d zoned back in just enough to comprehend that the ambulance was on route to Mercy Hospital and then, acting on auto-pilot, had grabbed Noah’s hand, ran outside and hailed a cab.

“Uncle Rafa?” Rafael turned at the sound of Noah’s voice, to find the almost eight-year-old looking up at him. “What’s happening?” He felt sick; there was too much noise and everyone around him was upset. His mom wasn’t here, and someone said something about surgery – Noah knew that meant an operation. Had something happened to his mom?

Noah had, naturally, questioned what was going on in the taxi, but Rafael hadn’t had any answers for him. And as he watched the young boy’s eyes dart around the waiting room, he realised he still didn’t.

“Noah…” he took a breath. “Momma got hurt at work today.”

The little boy gasped – even though he’d suspected, he wasn’t prepared for it to be true – his bottom lip beginning to wobble. “Is she okay?”

“We’ve got to wait for the doctors to come out and tell us,” Rafael explained. He wanted to tell him it was all going to be okay, but he couldn’t lie to the boy he had come to think of as his son.

Amanda, however, didn’t have any such qualms. “The doctors here are really good though, Noah,” she said, approaching and kneeling in front of him. “The best. They’ll have your mom better in no time. I tell you what, why don’t we go and get you a juice box, huh? And maybe some candy?” She looked at Rafael for permission.

“But I want to stay here with Uncle Rafa!” the boy protested.  

Noah’s voice almost broke Rafael’s heart and he almost gave in to his demands. But, he needed to speak to Fin – to find out how they’d ended up here – and Noah didn’t need to be present for that. Swallowing, he ruffled Noah’s hair. “I know, but I need you to go with Aunt Amanda. She always puts too much milk in my coffee and I need you to make sure she does it right, okay?”

Noah nodded slowly. “Okay, Uncle Rafa.” He stood and took Amanda’s hand, allowing her to lead him down the hall towards the cafeteria.

Once he was sure the boy was out of earshot, Rafael turned to Fin. “What the hell happened?”

“Kid came into the squad room asking to speak to a detective. Rollins and Carisi were already on their way out and I knew Olivia wanted to get home to take Noah out, so I said I’d deal with it. I’d barely taken two steps towards him when he grabbed Officer Flynn’s gun and started shooting. Bastard got off three rounds before Carisi took him out from the hallway.”

“And Liv?” He almost didn’t want to know – at least that way he could keep pretending. But he had to ask.

“Gunshot wound to the stomach."

“Shit,” Rafael breathed, visions of Sergeant Mike Dodds flashing through his brain.

“The bus was on the scene within minutes,” Fin assured. “She’s got a good chance. And y’know Liv. She’s a fighter.”

She was most certainly that. Olivia was strong; she wouldn’t give up on him and Noah without a fight.

“Did Carisi…?” He trailed off, unable to process his thoughts into a coherent sentence.

Fin seemed to understand, however, clapping him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry counsellor, the bastard was dead before he hit the ground.”

Rafael nodded a little uncomfortably. As much as he hated the man for doing this to Olivia, to their little family, he wasn’t as enthusiastic to learn of his passing as Fin was. It was probably some holdover from his years attending Mass. He wondered for a moment how Carisi, being from a similar background, was handling it. He hoped IAB – which was where Rafael assumed he was now, as he hadn’t seen him – weren’t too hard on the guy.

“Uh-oh,” Fin muttered. “Incoming.”

Rafael lifted his head and saw Dodds approaching. A groan escaped his lips before he could stop it. He wasn’t in the right frame of mind to deal with the Police Chief at the moment.

“I got it,” Fin told him, standing. He didn’t really understand the relationship between his friend and the ADA, but he made Olivia happy and right now he looked as if his whole world was ending. “Chief…”

* * *

Not long after Chief Dodds arrived, Olivia came out of surgery and was settled in ICU. The doctor said the surgery had gone well – Olivia had lost a lot of blood, but they’d managed to stem the bleeding by repairing the internal damage and she’d remained stable throughout the operation. Now, it was just a waiting game.

Rafael had called his mother and asked her to come and take Noah home. She’d arrived armed with food for everyone but after they’d all eaten, Noah refused to leave with her, clinging on tightly to Rafael’s leg. Not wanting to cause Noah any additional trauma to what he was already experiencing, Rafael relented and allowed him to stay.

They managed to persuade Noah to let Rafael go and sit with Olivia, although the boy wasn’t happy that he couldn’t go in too. Lucia placated him by suggesting he use the crayons Amanda had found for him to draw a picture for his mom.

“You didn’t let Lewis beat you,” Rafael spoke quietly in the silent room. Although it wasn’t really silent. Monitor beeped around them and he could hear the hiss of the IV machine. He was seated on the edge of the chair, leaning forward, one of Olivia’s hands clasped in his. She looked so small lying still and silent in front of him. And she was pale. So very pale. “You never let anything beat you. You’re the strongest woman I know Liv and I can’t…” He trailed off glancing up at her face. His eyes were burning. His throat ached. “I love you. I need you.”

Rafael ran a hand through his hair. He shook his head. “Noah needs you too.” He knew it was harsh, to bring her son into it but, if Olivia would fight for anything it would be the sweet little boy she’d claimed as her own seven years ago. Even before it was official, Olivia had been his mom. He’d needed her then, but he still needed her now. “He’s going to be eight next week. What’s he going to do without his mom. Will he even remember you?”

Leaning forward again, he continued. “I mean, we won’t let him forget you, but what good are pictures and stories when he won’t be able to hear you laugh. Or shout at him. Or tell him how proud you are when he passes his driving test, or graduates, or gets accepted to law school.” He looked at her for a response then; he was always teasing that Noah would follow in his footsteps, but she of course, disagreed. Not today though, today she just lay there. Rafael tried a different tactic. “Who’s going to tell him he’s not allowed to go to Hudson U?”

When that didn’t elicit a response either, he fell back on a pillar of his childhood. Prayer. He lifted Olivia’s hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles, before begging a God he wasn’t even sure he still believed in to let her live.

He sat like that until the doctor came in to check Olivia’s vitals a couple of hours later. Only then, when there was somebody with her, did he allow himself to leave to check on Noah. He knew he was in good hands with his mother, and she was more than capable of dealing with any emotional outbursts he may have. All was quiet when he entered the waiting room. Noah was curled up next to Lucia as she sang softly to him in Spanish – a song Rafael recognised from his own childhood – but was fighting sleep.

When he saw Rafael, he bounded out of the chair and over to him. “Can I see Momma now?”

“She’s still sleeping, _amigo_.” Rafael sat next to his mother and patted the chair on the other side of him. The little boy sat down dutifully.

“Your _mami_ needs lots of rest after her operation,” Lucia added. “She might be asleep for a while yet.”

Noah sighed. “Oh.”

Wanting to distract Noah, Lucia suggested he show Rafael the picture he’d drawn to help make Olivia feel better.

Noah retrieved his drawing and returned to Rafael’s side. He handed him the paper and began pointing. “It’s you me and Momma,” he told him. “When we went to the fair.”

Rafael could see that. Noah had drawn a rather intricate roller coaster in the background and one of the characters was holding something that looked like candyfloss. Rafael smiled at the memory. Olivia had chastised him for buying Noah such a large sugary treat, but in the end, it had worked out to their benefit. Noah hadn’t been able to finish even half of it, so the adults had shared what remained.

“Uncle Rafa?”

Rafael turned to face Noah, the boy’s words breaking into the fog of his brain.

“If Momma dies…”

“Noah, she made it through the operation. Let’s be positive, yeah?” Rafael couldn’t bring himself to think about the prospect of losing Olivia, especially not after it had taken them so long to find each other.

But this question had been playing on Noah’s mind and he needed to know. “But if she does, what happens to me? Who’ll look after me?” He dropped his head, looking at his shoes. “Will I have to go and live with Uncle Simon?” he asked quietly.

Noah had never met Olivia’s brother but knew of his existence through cards and gifts he’d received for Christmas and birthdays. And he was old enough now to realise that the aunts and uncles from the SVU squad weren’t _technically_ his family.

“You’ll…” Rafael opened his mouth to answer before realising he didn’t know. He assumed Olivia would have some plan in place, written into her will – she knew the nature of the job and she wouldn’t leave Noah’s fate to chance, or the New York foster system – but they’d never talked about it. He’d never asked. He’d let her walk out of the door every morning, knowing that today could be the day she didn’t come home, and he’d never thought to ask about what would happen to her son if today was that day. The thought that she could get hurt or killed at work wasn’t one he liked to dwell on, so it wasn’t at the front of his consciousness, but the way they functioned together as a family – although neither of them had used that word – was, so it hadn’t even occurred to Rafael that Noah would be anywhere other than with him.

He was the boy’s father in many ways – he helped with homework, read to him, took care of him and chastised him when he needed it – but as he sat there, with Noah now looking up at him expectantly, he realised that none of that mattered in the eyes of the law. If Olivia didn’t make it through this – Noah would be taken from him and, legally he had no rights to prevent that from happening.

In that moment Rafael knew three things. One: he would fight like hell to keep Noah – the legal system be damned, two: if – when – Olivia woke up he would speak to her about some sort of paperwork for him and Noah, and three: he couldn’t tell Noah any of this. He needed to feel safe and secure; not worried about the future.

He’d always prided himself on being honest with the young boy at his side, in an age-appropriate way, of course so, after a moments pause to find the words, he spoke quietly, but firmly. “I don’t know exactly what will happen, Noah but I know your _mami_ will have made a plan.” He felt Lucia’s eyes burning into the side of his head, unable to believe he and Olivia hadn’t discussed such an important issue, but he did his best to ignore her and focus on Noah. “And we have to trust that plan because your _mami_ is a very smart person.”

Noah nodded. “Almost as smart as you,” he said with a smile, repeating the teasing words he’d often heard spoken between the two adults.

Rafael scoffed. At this point in time, he was willing to admit there were some areas in life where Olivia was smarter than him. A Harvard degree didn’t equate to common sense; if it did there would be no question of what would happen to Noah because he’d have already thought to sort it out. Hell, if it meant Olivia would survive, he’d relinquish all claims on being the smartest – she could have the title. It would be worth it to know that she was going to be okay.  

Rafael pulled Noah onto his lap and kissed his head, burying his nose in the boy’s curls, letting the sweet smell of his shampoo comfort him for a moment. Drawing back, he looked Noah in the eye. “You know, Noah, no matter what happens to your _mami_ , no matter who ends up taking care of you, I will always – _always_ – be there for you.”

“Always?”

“Always,” Rafael repeated.

“Does that mean…” Noah stopped, shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“No, go on,” Rafael pressed gently. The boy worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “It’s okay, Noah. You can ask anything, you know that.”

He and Olivia had tried to instil in Noah that he could come to them about anything, without fear of judgement. They wanted him to feel he could approach them with difficult questions or topics so that as he would get the ‘right’ answers, as opposed to looking elsewhere for them.

When Noah spoke again a few moments later, his voice was small, and his gaze fixed on his sneakers. “I just wondered if that meant you were y’know, like, my dad?”

Unlike the circumstances of Olivia’s will and Noah’s guardianship, this was something the couple had discusse **d**. After Rafael and Olivia had finally admitted to each other how they felt, she’d questioned if he truly understood what he was taking on, dating a single parent. He’d told her he wasn’t ‘dating a single parent’, he was ‘loving his best friend’ and he made sure she knew that he was in their relationship for the long haul and that he knew what that would mean in regard to Noah. He had stepped into the role of father-figure almost immediately and, when he moved in, that was only reinforced. Olivia hoped that one day, Noah would come to call Rafael ‘Dad’, and had even tentatively mentioned suggesting it to him, but Rafael was wary about forcing anything. His counter-proposal was to stick to the status quo; if he continued to act like a father, Noah would make the correlations himself and if he felt comfortable, would either start calling Rafael, ‘Dad’ or would ask to.

It appeared that time had come. Rafael just hoped that Olivia would wake up to see their hopes come to fruition.

Rafael slipped from his chair and knelt in front of the boy who he thought of as his son. “Noah, if you want me to be your Dad then there is nothing – _nothing_ – I would like more.”

The boy’s face brightened. “Really?” 

“Of course, _mijo_.”

Noah’s eyes widened – he knew enough Spanish to know what that word meant. He leaned forward and flung his arms around Rafael’s neck.

Lucia, who had been watching the exchange, shuffled along the seats and placed a hand on Rafael’s back. _“Rafi, mijo, estoy tan orgullosa de ti.”_

Meeting his mother’s eyes, he offered her a watery smile. “ _Gracias, Mami_.”

The three of them stayed like that for a few moments until the sound of the door opening drew their attention. It was one of the nurses from the ICU.

“Mr Barba, Olivia is awake.”

Relief flooded Rafael as he stood and approached the nurse. “Can I see her?”

The nurse smiled and nodded. “She’s asking for you.”

He moved to follow the nurse but felt a hand tug at his jumper. Turning back, he found Noah looking at him with a puppy dog expression. “Can I come too, Dad.”

“Let me check on her first, okay _mijo_? You stay here with my…” he looked at his mom and smiled, “… with your _abuelita_.”

Lucia – who looked as if she’d won the lottery – took hold of Noah’s hand to allow Rafael to step away.

“I’ll come get you if your _mami’s_ feeling up to it, okay?”

Noah retrieved his drawing and handed it to Rafael. “Will you give her my picture?”

“I sure will, _mijo_. She’ll love it.”

He followed the nurse down the hall and into Olivia’s room. His eyes lit on her, awake. She still looked pale, but Rafael had never seen a more beautiful sight. Placing Noah’s drawing on the chair he’d been sat in only half an hour ago, he approached the bed and sank down onto the mattress beside her. “Hi.”

Olivia’s gaze swept over him. He looked drawn and tired. When he took her hand, she smiled weakly at him. “Hi.”

Rafael leaned over and brushed his lips over hers. “You scared me," he whispered. "I thought I was going to lose you." His hand cupped her cheek and he stared into her face. “I love you.”

Olivia smiled and tried to shift her position on the bed. That was a mistake, she felt the throbbing of the incision sites as pain radiated to her left side. She took thin, shallow breaths, letting out a small whimper.

Rafael pulled back and pressed the morphine pump into her hand. "It's okay," he said quietly, voice thick with emotion, "you're alright." The hand that had been cupping her cheek brushed her hair away from her face. He let his hand linger there, fingers combing gently through her hair, thumb stroking her temple.

She hummed again. "Trying to move is not a good idea." Olivia took a thin breath. She didn't want to be too medicated, not yet anyway. She wanted to see him. Her eyes fluttered open again and she looked up at him.

When she seemed to relax, Rafael lifted her hand in his. He drew it to his lips. Even in the dim lighting of the room, he could make out the shifting colours of her eyes. His thumb stroked the back of her hand while he inhaled deeply. He never thought he'd look into those beautiful eyes again. His hand slid out of her hair to stroke the familiar lines of her face, as though committing them to memory. _"Liv."_ It wasn't over, and the pain wasn't gone, not completely. The terror, the sense of loss that had settled over him was still there. And he didn’t think it would be leaving him anytime soon. Imagining a world without her, it had ripped at him and left him torn and bleeding.

"Shhh…" She crooned quietly and tugged her hand out of his. She cupped his face. "I'm still here." The pain in his eyes made her heartache. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth. _“Rafa.”_

The whisper of his name, the inflexion that only she used. His eyes closed as his head inclined and he turned his face toward her palm. It shuddered through him, just how close to losing her he'd come. His jaw clenched. When he looked at her again, his throat ached. Emotion burned behind his eyes. He shook his head, fought through the thick lump in his throat.

“I’m okay, Rafa,” she whispered, her thumb stroking his face. “I’m okay.” His pain was a tangible thing. She hadn’t realised in the brief time she’d been awake, just how bad it was or how traumatic it must have been for him, for the squad, for–  She gasped. “Noah?”

Rafael swallowed. “He’s alright. He’s outside with my mom, actually.” At her raised eyebrow, he explained. “Lucy was going to a Hallowe’en party – when Carisi called I had to bring him. Then he wouldn’t leave. He’s stubborn, like his mom.” He drew away and plucked Noah’s picture from the chair, passing it to her. “He made you this.”

Olivia smiled as she took in her son’s artwork. “I want to see him.”

“Well, I was thinking I could use my powers of persuasion to sweet talk one of the nurses – y’know, sneak him in for a few minutes. I’m sure once he sees you’re okay, he’ll be much more amenable to leaving with _Mami_.”

Unfortunately for Rafael, the nurses were not persuaded. ICU was not a place for children. So, as he often did in his daily life, he made a deal. “He can’t come in, but we’ve compromised.” He handed her her phone, retrieved from the small cupboard by her bed. “You’ll need this,” was all he said before he disappeared again.

The next time Olivia saw Rafael, he was stood at the large glass window that faced her bed, and he had Noah – who was really far too big to be carried now – in his arms.

Her heart fluttered. She pressed her fingers to her lips when they began to tremble. Tears blurred her vision. Olivia lifted her other hand in a wave. When he pressed his hand to the glass and leaned toward it, a wide smile on his face, she gave a watery chuckle. Moments later, Rafael had his phone out and was calling her. She answered, and he passed the phone to Noah.

“Hi, Mom!” He had a hand pressed to the glass, and looked between it and the phone as he spoke

“Hi, sweet boy,” she crooned quietly. “Thank you for the drawing. I love it.”

Noah beamed at the praise. “Did the doctors make you all better?”

She smiled warmly at the concerned, compassionate boy her son had become. “They did, but I’m going to have to stay here for a little while longer while I heal.”

“Okay, Momma.”  

“I hit a home run today in gym class!” he said brightly.

Olivia listened as he told her about that and a dozen other things that had happened at school that day. He was so precious and perfect, and wonderful, she felt tears filling her eyes again. As he spoke, Olivia hummed and nodded, replying at all the right junctures.

When her eyes began to droop, Rafael called an end to the visit. “Hey _mijo_ , your _mami_ needs to take a nap now, and the doctors need to give her some medicine, okay?”

“Okay. Bye, Mom!”

She pressed her fingers to her lips, blowing a kiss to Noah. “Bye, sweet boy. Oh,” she remembered, “your costume looks great. I’m sorry we didn’t get to go trick or treating.”

Noah shrugged. “It’s okay. Aunt Amanda bought me candy and new crayons. And Dad says I’m going to stay with _Abuelita_ and she _always_ has candy.” Noah missed the look of surprise on his mom’s face at his words, but Rafael didn’t. “Bye Mom! Love you.” Noah touched the glass again and then wiggled to get out of Rafael’s arms.

Once her son was out of sight, Olivia tipped her head back and closed her eyes. She could feel the painkillers beginning to take effect. The pain that had been a tidal wave earlier, was now only a dull roar. She opened her eyes again, a few moments later, at the sound of Rafael returning. He sat back into the plastic chair at the side of her bed and took her hand, lacing their fingers together.

“ _Mami’s_ taken him home. She’ll get him to school in the morning.”

Olivia nodded. “Did he…? Did he just call you Dad?”

Rafael smiled bashfully. “Yeah. He asked earlier. He was worried about what was going to happen to him if you…” He couldn’t say it, just waved his free hand between them.

“Oh, my poor sweet boy.”

“It’s okay, Liv,” he reminded her, squeezing her hand. “You’re here. You’re alive.”

She nodded through her tears.

“But maybe,” Rafael continued, “we should think about cementing my position in Noah’s life… legally, I mean.”

A small, tired smile curved her lips. “You sure you want that? To be stuck with us”

He raised an eyebrow. “There’s been no getting rid of either of you for a long time.” Stroking his thumb along the back of her hand, he grew serious, “The thought of losing you was bad enough, but when I realised I might lose Noah as well. God, Liv. I don’t know what I’d do without him. Not only that, I didn’t even know what would happen to him. We’ve never talked about it.”  

“Nobody likes to talk about death, Rafa,” she reminded him, stifling a yawn. “But you’re right we should talk about it, and we should get some paperwork for you too.”

“We will. But not tonight.” He reached up to tuck her hair back behind her ear. “You need to rest.”

Nodding, she let her eyes drift closed again. “Stay,” she asked quietly.

“Oh, _mi amor_ , wild horses couldn’t drag me away.” He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it, mirroring his actions of a few hours earlier. Except this time, there was hope.


	7. February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia has a question for Rafael, but he wants Noah's opinion before answering.

“Rafa, can we stop for a minute?”

“Of course. You okay?” Rafael asked, concern etched on his brow. She’d only recently gotten over the flu and was still easily fatigued.

Olivia nodded. “Yeah, I just…” She gestured to a bench a few paces ahead. “Can we sit?”

“If you want.” Rafael wasn’t too keen – February evenings in New York weren’t exactly balmy – but it was their anniversary, so he was willing to indulge here for a few moments. They’d had an early dinner before seeing Hamilton. She’d never seen it, but he had a few years ago and wanted to share the experience with her. She’d insisted on splitting the cost – the same with their dinner – because they’d agreed not to exchange gifts. Between Noah’s birthday, Christmas and her birthday, both their expenditures had taken a hit. After the show, he suggested a walk through the park. It was a clear night; he thought they might be lucky enough to see some stars.

When Rafael sat down, Olivia turned to him. “So, I know we said no gifts, but…” She forced back the butterflies in her stomach and held out her hand to reveal a small drawstring pouch dangling off her index finger.

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Liv!” he chastised playfully.

“Do we want to talk about the ‘anonymous’ bouquet of flowers that was delivered to the precinct for me this morning?” she replied with a smirk.

Rafael did his best to school his features. “You must have a secret admirer.”

Olivia tilted her head and jiggled the pouch gently, “Maybe I should give this to him then.” Rafael quickly snatched it out of her hand and Olivia giggled. “No, I thought not.

Rafael carefully opened the ouch and tipped the contents into his hand. He looked down. There, sitting in his palm, was a key. One that looked very familiar. He pulled his bunch of keys out of his pocket and, sure enough, the one to Olivia’s apartment – that he’d had for years before they were anything more than friends – was missing. He wracked his brain, wondering when she could have snuck it off its ring.

“It’s yours, yes,” Olivia explained hastily. “But the key isn’t the gift. Well, it is – you can have it back, of course – but it’s more of a representation. And a question.”

“A representation and a ques…? What exactly are you asking?” Rafael thought he knew where she was going with this, but he needed to be sure, to hear her say the words.

“They key represents a toothbrush in the bathroom, closet space, waking up together every day, mingled mismatched furniture, joint utilities… Y’know, all the things you have when you live with someone.”

She looked down at her hands, clasped in her lap. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. She’d never initiated a step like this in any of her relationships before. It had always been her partner who had made suggestions to live together if the relationship ever got that far.

“Liv, I…” 

Rafael’s voice hitched with emotion and she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.  

“Liv, look at me. Please?” She did as he asked, and he reached for her hand. “I want to say yes…”

“But?” Olivia tried to hide her disappointment. She’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop since they started dating a year ago, and now it seemed it was finally happening.

Of course, Rafael could read her like a book and was quick to reassure her. “There’s no need to look so worried, _mi amor_. I just want to speak with Noah about it first, see how he feels.”

Olivia sighed with relief and unclipped her purse. She retrieved a folded piece of white paper and handed it to Rafael. “Way ahead of you, Rafa.”

His brow furrowed as he took the paper from her, but his confusion was short-lived. Unfolding it, he found a short note, written in Noah’s distinctive penmanship.

_Dear Uncle Rafa,_

_Momma said she was going to ask you if you wanted to come live with us._  
_I hope you say yes then we can play Lego all the time and you can read me_  
_as many stories as I want and make pancakes for breakfast every day._

_Please say yes._

_Love Noah (and Eddie)_

There were a few spelling mistakes – Noah had wanted to write as much of it as he could independently Olivia would later explain – but that didn’t detract from the message or the sentiment. Noah had signed off with a long line of kisses that stretched over the entire page and underneath that, he’d drawn a picture of the three of them (and Eddie) stood outside an apartment building. There was an arrow pointing to one of the windows and it said ‘OUR HOUSE’ in big red letters.

“He’s moved you down three floors,” Rafael said, mentally counting the windows.

Olivia shrugged. “It’s wishful thinking for when the lift’s broken.”

“An apartment without a working lift? That could be a deal-breaker, y’know.”

“You already said yes. No take-backs,” she teased. “Seriously though, I know your place is bigger, but my apartment is Noah’s home. It’s close to his school and he’s settled there. It’s where he grew up. There’s–”

“Memories. I get it.” He flashed her the little half-smile that he only ever used with her. If he was honest, he’d imagined the living together several times over the past few months and every time he pictured it, they were in Olivia’s apartment rather than his.

“I’m barely living at my place now as it is,” he reminded her. He stayed at hers at least five nights a week – only going home to change or to pick up new clothes. “It’s just an expensive storage unit. I have no problem moving into your apartment.”

Rafael placed his arm along the back of the bench; an invitation for Olivia to snuggle up against him. Her hand found its way inside his coat, stroking his silk tie gently.

“I’m going to need a bigger closet though,” she teased.

“Maybe, but for you, I think I could ditch some of the suits. The older ones of course.”

They would talk later about shared closet space and the other logistics of combining two households – Rafael wanted to contribute equally, which meant his name on the lease, joint bank accounts and everything else that went with it – but for now, they sat huddled together under the stars, basking in their happiness and dreaming of their future together.

* * *

The chill of the late winter evening had reluctantly moved them from their spot on the bench before either of them were really ready for their date to be over. But the knowledge that they would be falling asleep in each other’s arms within a couple of hours – and every night for the rest of their lives – helped them detach and continue their walk back to what was now _their_ apartment.

Awaiting them, much to their surprise, was a very tired, but excited Noah.

“Did he say yes, Momma?” were the first words out of his mouth as Olivia rounded the corner into the living room from her small hallway, Rafael still hidden behind the wall.

Olivia smiled at the way her son, dressed in his pyjamas, scrambled to his knees on the sofa as she entered, and was now leaning forward an eager, expectant look on his face. “And just what are you doing up, mister?”

“Sorry Liv,” Lucy replied from the kitchen. He insisted on staying up until you got back so he could find out if Mr Barba would be moving in.”

“I see.”

“I couldn’t sleep without knowing, Momma,” he stated as if it should be obvious. “So, is Uncle Rafa coming to live with us?”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself, sweet boy,” she said, as the man in question stepped into the living room behind her.

“Uncle Rafa!” Noah launched himself from the sofa towards Rafael, throwing his arms around his waist.

“Hey!” He returned the embrace. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?” he asked, pulling away and ruffling the boy’s curls.

Noah deliberately ignored the question. “Did Momma give you my letter?”

Rafael nodded. “I did. It was lovely.”

“So? Are you coming to live with us?”

He glanced at Olivia, reaching for her hand. She slipped hers into his, interlocking their fingers and gave the boy a small nod.

“If you’re sure you want me to, then yes, I’m going to come and live with you.”

“Yay!” Noah exclaimed, pumping his fist before wrapping his arms around Rafael’s middle again.

“Congratulations Liv,” Lucy added, smiling at her employer. “Mr Barba.”

“I think, given that I’m going to be living here pretty soon, you can probably start calling me Rafael now, Lucy.”

The young girl nodded. “Right. Well, Rafael, Liv… if you don’t need me anymore, I’ll be on my way.”

Rafael frowned. It was dark and cold out and he didn’t feel comfortable allowing Lucy to make her own way home. “Let me order you an Uber.”

“That’s not necessary, Mr… I mean, Rafael,” called from the hallway where she was retrieving her coat.

“Please. It’s late and the weather is turning.” He waved his hand to the window where flakes of snow were fluttering past. “I insist.”

Sensing that this was an argument she wouldn’t win, Lucy nodded. “Okay. Thanks.” She pulled on her coat and hat as Rafael tapped at his phone.

“It’ll be here in,” he glanced back at the app, “three minutes. Driver is ‘Nick’.”

“I’ll see you out,” Liv said. She needed to pay her for the extra hours anyway.

“I’ll get this one,” he nodded at Noah, “into bed.” He turned, addressing the boy. “Say goodnight to Lucy.”

“Night Lucy.”

“Good night Noah. Sweet dreams.”

Rafael ushered Noah towards his room and, once he’d grabbed Eddie from the dresser, helped him clamber into bed. Pulling the covers up to Noah’s chin, Rafael sat down on the bed. He was just about to ask if Noah was sure about him moving in when the boy spoke.

“I can’t wait until you’re here all the time,” he whispered sleepily, his eyes slipping closed.

Rafael pushed Noah’s curls out of his face. “Me neither, _mi amigo_. Me neither.”


	8. April 2028

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sixteen-year-old Noah wants to go to a party. Will Rafael say yes?

“So… Can I go?”

Sixteen-year-old Noah turned on the puppy dog eyes that had worked for him so well when he was younger. Brett Steven’s parties were renowned throughout the school and he’d been invited to one. The only hurdle would be getting his parents’ permission to attend.

“Maybe,” his mother replied. “I’ll need to talk to your dad about it. When is it again?”

“Next Friday. Please, mom.”

“We’ll speak to your Dad when he gets home.” Olivia looked at the clock. “It might help your case if you’ve got your homework done by the time he gets in.”

Noah pulled his school books out of his bag and separated them into two piles. One for classes where he did have homework, one for those he didn’t. Luckily, today he only had History and Calculus.

He was still working on the Calculus when Rafael got home. His father strode into the kitchen, depositing his briefcase on the table next to Noah’s ‘no homework’ pile.

“Hola, _mijo_.” He ruffled Noah’s hair as he passed to approach Olivia who was stirring sauce on the hob. He stepped next to her and, putting an arm around her, kissed her cheek. “ _Carino_.”

Olivia stopped stirring and turned to face him with a smile, pecking him quickly on the lips. “Hello. Good day?”

Rafael chuckled, pulling a cup down from the cupboard above her head. “You saw me all of,” he looked at his watch, “three hours ago.” He popped a pod in the Keurig that sat in the corner of the counter as Olivia shrugged.

“A lot can happen in three hours.” She went back to stirring. “Noah has something to ask you.”

Rafael turned back to the table, leaning against the kitchen counter and regarded his son as he waited for the water to heat. “ _Mijo_?”

Noah dropped his pen onto his Calculus textbook and looked at his father. “So… one of the boys at school has invited me to a party on Friday.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know, Noah. Friday nights are family nights.”

It was the one night of the week they all managed to get home at a reasonable hour, so they tended to make the most of it. They would go out for dinner, or to a movie or show. Sometimes they went to the football game at Noah’s school. Noah didn’t play but he enjoyed supporting his fellow students. Other weeks they stayed in and vegged out in front of a movie or played games. When Rafael chose, it was a board game like Monopoly or Articulate, while Noah nearly always chose to thrash his parents on Mario Kart.

“I know, but maybe we could do family night on Saturday. Mom’s off this weekend, right?”

Olivia looked up from her stirring. “I should be.” It was never guaranteed, but since her promotion to Captain, it was easier. It had taken a while for her to get used to delegating the responsibilities, but she’d gotten there in the end. She very rarely went in on her days off now; only when it was absolutely necessary.

“We’ll see. I have more questions first. Who is this boy?”

“Brett. Brett Stevens. He’s the first receiver on the football team. He’s in my Social Studies class.”

“And where is this party?”

“At his house. It’s his birthday,” Noah explained.

Rafael hummed as he poured his freshly brewed coffee and joined Noah at the table, sitting opposite him. “So, his parents will be there?”

“I guess so, yeah. I’ll check.” Noah picked up his phone and typed a quick message to the group chat.

_So, my Dad’s being difficult about this party. He wants to know if there’ll  be adult supervision._

While they waited for a response, Rafael continued his interrogation.

“Who else is going?”

“Everybody,” Noah replied. ‘And I bet they don’t get this much grief from their parents about it either,’ he added silently to himself.

This answer did not satisfy Rafael. “Names, please.” He took a sip of his coffee and let out a contented sigh. “I assume there will be some people there who we know?”

“Yeah, Josh will be there.”

Rafael nodded, feeling more at ease. Noah and Josh had been friends since Kindergarten and he was a sensible boy, much like Noah.

Rafael opened his mouth to ask further questions but was cut off by Noah’s phone vibrating on the table.

_Tell him, yeah sure, my parents will be there._

Noah showed the message to his father – careful to obscure his original message as he didn’t think Rafael would appreciate it – and turned on his puppy eyes once again. “So, can I please go?”

Rafael looked over the top of Noah’s head to Olivia. She shrugged again.

“If… _if_ your mum and I say yes, I’d want some assurances from you,” Rafael said.

“Like?”

“Like no drinking or drugs.”

“Dad!”

Olivia turned the heat down on the sauce, leaving it to simmer, and joined her husband and son at the table. She stood beside Noah and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Your Dad and I may be old, Noah, but we’re not too old to remember what teenage parties are like. Plus, in our line of work, we-”

“See a lot of bad stuff, yeah I know.” He barely held in his eye-roll. He’d heard it all before. But a sharp look and raised eyebrow from Rafael had him lowering his gaze to the table. “Sorry, Mom. But I’m not like those kids you see at work.”

“You’re more like them than you think, _mijo_ ,” Rafael said, placing his cup on the table in front of him. “We see so many children who’ve never been in trouble before, give in to peer pressure or take one chance, make one little mistake and then their whole lives are ruined. Your mom and I are just trying to look out for you.”

Noah sighed. “But I’m not a kid anymore, Dad. I’m sixteen.”

“And you want your independence, I get that _mijo_ , I do. But with independence comes responsibility. So, as I was saying…” His finger absentmindedly traced the rim of the coffee cup as he spoke. “If we decide you can go you need to promise us that you won’t drink or do drugs and that you’ll be home by…?” He looked at Olivia.

“Eleven?” she suggested.

“Eleven-thirty,” Rafael amended, wanting to show Noah he was willing to compromise. “I’ll book you an Uber to bring you home.”

“Okay,” Noah decided. “So, if I promise no drink or drugs and to be home by eleven-thirty, I can go?”

Rafael and Olivia shared one more look; their unspoken communication as effective as ever.

_Are we sure about this, Liv? He’s just a kid._

_But he’s a good kid. Smart. Sensible. He needs to know we trust him, Rafa._

_I just can’t help but worry._

_I know. It’s what makes you a good father. But we agreed, we trust him until he gives us a reason not to._

Rafael took one more look at his son, towering over him and tried not to think about how quickly he was growing up and how he wouldn’t need him as much soon, and made his decision.

“Yes. You may go.”

Noah’s arms shot up in triumph. “Yeeeessss!” He stood and hugged Olivia first before rounding the table to Rafael and bending to embrace him. “Thanks, Dad.”

* * *

Rafael wasn’t worrying. At least that’s what he was telling himself. He was at his desk in his home office, trying to come up with an argument against a defense motion for a hearing scheduled for Monday morning, but he was distracted. Not because Noah was currently at his first teenage party. Definitely not.

Leaning back in his chair, Rafael looked at his watch. 9:33. He lifted his phone from the desk to check if Noah had been in contact – he’d told him to ring if he wanted to leave the party early. There was nothing from Noah, but there was a message from Olivia that he’d missed. A glance at the notification bar told him that the device was still muted from the meeting he’d had at the end of the day. He quickly turned it up again, in case Noah should get in contact, and then opened the message from Olivia.

 _He’ll be fine._ _Stop worrying._

Rafael couldn’t help the smile that spread across his features. His wife knew him far too well. He wished she hadn’t been called into work. If she’d been at home, she would have distracted him from his thoughts. He chuckled. He still probably wouldn’t have finished his preparation, but Olivia’s distraction would have been much more pleasurable.

He stood, stretching his back muscles, and winced at the clicking sound. He crossed the room to the coffee maker that sat on a small table. It had been a gift from Noah for his 55th birthday. He had jokingly complained once too often about having to leave his office in the middle of case prep and traipse all the way to the kitchen prep to get his caffeine fix and his son had decided to fix the problem. It wasn’t as top of the range as the Keurig they had downstairs, but the boy had saved up his allowance to buy it and Rafael had to admit that it made a pretty decent cup.

Pouring himself a cup of the dark, rich liquid, he moved to his bookshelf and drew a finger along the heavy tomes, searching for a book that would allow him to double check legal precedence pertinent to the case. When he found the volume he needed, he placed his coffee on the shelf and pulled the book off. He quickly thumbed the pages until he came across the particular case.

He stood their so engrossed in his reading that, when the sounds of ‘ _Un Poco Loco’_ , his ringtone for Noah – Coco had been the boy’s favourite film as a child – blasted through his office, he almost dropped the book. Slamming it closed, he scrambled back to his desk and snatched up his phone, thumbing the slider to answer the call.

“Noah?”

“Dad, I…”

Rafael’s heart raced at the panic in his son’s voice. “What is it, _mijo_? Are you okay?”

“I am but… Josh isn’t. He… he was drinking, and he got into a fight with Brett. He threw him out, so I went with him. I didn’t want him to be out on his own this late. Not when he’s drunk.”

“Noah, take a breath.” He listened as his son’s shaky breath calmed and tried to come up with a way to help him. It was at times like this he wished he had a car but in a city like New York, there was no need. “Where are you?”

“Down the street from Brett’s. I’m not sure. I don’t really know the area.”

“Is there anywhere that’s well lit? Or where there are people?”

“There’s a bodega on the corner.”

“Okay, I want you to head to the bodega. I’m going to stay on the phone with you until you get there. Then, you’re going to hang up and call yourself an Uber. You might want to get Josh a black coffee too if they sell them.”

“You always say that stuff isn’t really coffee,” Noah reminded him.

“It’s not, but needs must.”

“What about Josh? Do I take him home to face his parents or…?”

“Bring him back here. He can sleep it off and we'll get him home in the morning.” That would also give Rafael some time to decide what, if anything, to tell Josh’s parents.

“O..okay… We're at the bodega.”

“Call me back when you've ordered your Uber,” Rafael instructed. When Noah had hung up, Rafael let out a shaky sigh. He ran his hand through his hair and, bypassing the coffee he’d made not minutes earlier, he poured himself a large scotch as he waited for his son to call back.

Rafael stayed on the phone with Noah for the entire Uber journey, pacing the already worn carpet in front of his desk, as he did when he was working out closing arguments in his head. He could hear Josh’s high-pitched giggling in the background. When Noah announced they were pulling up outside, he hurried to the sidewalk to meet them. He helped Noah get Josh out of the car and supported him as he staggered into the house.

Josh collapsed onto the sofa with a groan, stretching his body out along the length. Rafael turned to Noah. “Get him a blanket and pillows from the hall closet. I'll wait for you in my office.”

Noah nodded solemnly. His father's tone was clipped and he knew there was going to be a serious conversation ahead.

With Josh settled and snoring loudly, Noah trudged to Rafael’s office. The door was ajar but Noah still knocked lightly before entering.

Rafael was leaning against the edge of the desk, a fresh cup of coffee in hand. He'd finished his scotch while on the phone with Noah and opted for coffee at this point. He would feel a bit of a hypocrite discussing the evils of alcohol whilst drinking himself, even if it was perfectly legal for him to do so.

Noah took a deep breath. “Dad, l-” he began but stopped when Rafael held up his hand.

His father’s brows drew together as he looked Noah up and down. “I am going to ask you a question, _mijo_ and I want an honest answer, okay?”

Noah nodded. He had a feeling he knew what the question was going to be, and he could see being grounded in his future.

“Did you drink tonight?

Noah knew there was no point lying. Both his parents made a living out of spotting liars and if he tried to pull the wool over his father's eyes, he'd probably get his mom to bring a breathalyser kit home.

“Yes,” he mumbled, looking at the floor. He could feel the waves of disappointment from his father, he didn't need to see it as well.

Rafael sighed but was otherwise silent, considering the best thing to say. His years as an attorney had taught him to pause and collect his thoughts before speaking, a skill that he had found useful on more than one occasion as a parent.

Noah hated this silence. Even though he'd been on the receiving end of it several times over the years, it didn't make it any less uncomfortable. A feeling which only grew as the silence stretched out. He stuffed his hands in his pockets as his stomach clenched and twisted, awaiting his father's response.

Finally, after what seemed to Noah like an age, he spoke.

“I thought this boy’s parents were going to be there.”

Noah mumbled something under his breath.

“Look at me, _mijo_.”

Noah lifted his gaze from the floor and met Rafael’s eye. “He said they would be, but they weren’t. I don’t know where they were.”

“I see. How much did you drink?”

“One beer.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Honestly. I was just one. I didn’t really… It tasted weird.” He screwed up his face at the memory. “By the time, I'd finished one, Josh was already on his fourth. When I told him to slow down he just muttered something about his parents and downed the rest of the bottle in one. I stopped drinking then. I thought one of us should probably stay sober.”

“A sensible decision, but I can’t say I'm not disappointed in you, Noah. While you may have been sensible enough to stop drinking and to call when you were in trouble, you still broke your promise. Your mother and I specifically told you no drinking and you assured us you wouldn’t.”

He rubbed his hands against his jeans. He swallowed past the painful lump in his throat and dropped his chin to his chest, his eyes finding the floor once more. “I know. I’m sorry Dad.”

“Why did you do it, _mijo_?”

He stared at the floor. The pattern on the carpet began to blur. Noah’s jaw was tight and his throat was aching. His hands gripped the seams of his jeans and he drew a shaky breath but didn't look up.

“Everyone else was drinking and when Brett offered me a beer…” Noah shrugged. “He already thinks I’m weird because of what you and mom do. I guess I wanted to prove to him that I was y’know… cool.”

Rafael watched him gesture helplessly and let out a heavy sigh. Peer pressure. The sole reason behind a good percentage of sex crimes cases involving under 21s.

“Well, you’re about to become uncool again.” He held out his hand. “Phone.”

Reluctantly, Noah dug the device out of his pocket and placed it in Rafael’s palm. He knew from past experience that arguing or trying to work out a deal would only increase the terms of his punishment. “How long?” he asked.

“Two weeks.” Rafael held down the power button to switch off the device. “Maybe one with good behaviour. Are your iPad and Laptop in your bag downstairs?”

Noah nodded.

“Well, they’re now restricted to use for school work only. And you’re grounded for… well, I’ll need to discuss it with your mom, but it’s likely to be a couple of weeks.”

Noah bit his lip and looked at his father through lidded eyes. “I don’t suppose there’s any way we could, I don’t know, maybe _not_ tell mom?” His father’s disappointment was hard to take and he knew his mom would be just as disappointed and she would have no qualms in letting him know that.

Rafael merely raised an eyebrow and Noah sighed.

“No, I guess not. Right… well, I’ll head to bed then…”

He waited for a moment, making sure Rafael had said all he wanted to say before turning towards the door. When he reached the threshold, his father’s voice called out, stopping him.

“Noah!”

Rafael approached as Noah turned back to face him. He put his hand on the teenager’s shoulder and spoke gently, “While I’m disappointed by some of your behaviour tonight, I’m glad you’re home safe. I love you, _mijo_.”

Noah nodded. “I love you too, Dad. And I really am sorry.”

“I know,” Rafael assured. Noah knew he had done wrong and he would try and be better. “We all make mistakes, _mijo_. What matters is that we learn from them. That's how growing up works. Now, you’d better get yourself to bed. Your mother is going to want to talk to you in the morning – there’ll be no lie-in for you.”

Noah grimaced, but heeded his father’s advice and retreated to his room.

Rafael closed the door behind him, and leaned back against it, letting his mind catalogue every moment of their conversation. He knew Olivia would want the play-by-play when he told her what Noah had done.

He kept telling himself it could have been worse. Like he’d told Noah earlier in the week, a large part of his job was prosecuting kids who made the wrong choices. The police could have been called and Noah hauled down to the station or he could have gotten drunk along with Josh and then the two of them could have been stumbling around the streets of Manhattan for hours. Or worse. Rafael shuddered at the thought.

He was home and he was safe. At the end of the day, that’s what mattered. Yes, he had acted foolishly, but he had also shown some maturity in his actions, a maturity which had ensured he and Josh were unharmed. Even though Noah had made a mistake, for which he would be punished, Rafael could see the sensible, compassionate man his son would grow into and he couldn’t be prouder of him. He knew Olivia would feel the same.

They may not always like, or agree, with Noah’s actions but they would always be proud of him and they would always love him. He was a smart kid, but as a teenager, he still had a lot to learn. It was their job, as parents, to help and guide him to make the right decisions. It wasn’t an easy job – he actually thought it was one of the hardest in the world – but it was one he felt privileged to do and he wouldn’t change it for all the expensive coffee in the world.


End file.
